ON: NEWSPAPERS

OSCAR WILDE Observes:

The publisher of a newspaper does not mind if the reader is not gullible enough to trust the content of the articles; nor is he upset if the reader is not gullible enough to judge the content of the editorials to be wise; however, he IS quite troubled if the reader is not gullible enough to believe the claims of the advertisers.    

MARK TWAIN Remarks:

I disagree.  The publisher is not upset at all, as long as the advertisers are gullible enough to believe his claim that the readers will believe theirs.

ON: WRITING FICTION

OSCAR WILDE Observes:

It may be true that truth is stranger than fiction.  But it is a strange author who can not make fiction stranger than truth.   

MARK TWAIN Remarks:

If a man can not write interesting fiction, then he is not listening closely enough to the excuses he gives his wife.  

ON: EDUCATIONAL READING

OSCAR WILDE Observes:

If a book fails to improve or charm a reader, or, failing these, amuse him, then it must, per force, be educational.  

MARK TWAIN Remarks:

The main lesson that one can learn by reading an educational book is how far the human mind can wander in only a few pages... and never return, except by force.  

ON: LOYALTY

OSCAR WILDE Observes:

Loyalty is an emotion expended mostly by those people who are either too slothful or too obtuse to determine what to do when their best interests change.

MARK TWAIN Remarks:

In contrast to Mr. Wilde, I hold that loyalty will exist for exactly as long as you suspect that other fellow is still good to do you one more favor.

ON: BEING HEALTHY

OSCAR WILDE observes:

The possession of good health has only one advantage for me.  The status prevents me from so incapacitated by unhealthy vices that I would not be able to continue to indulge in them.  

MARK TWAIN remarks:

When it comes to the issue of good health, I want to achieve a middle ground.  I want enough of it to avoid major discomfit, but not so much that my friends or wife consider me capable of any effort that involves sustained labor.

ON: LIFE AS THEATER

OSCAR WILDE observes:

Life is a play.  Those who are unhappy with it are more often dissatisfied with their lines rather than their roles.  Bad costumes displease also.

MARK TWAIN remarks:

If  life were truly a play than we should be given a rehearsal or two before we try it for real.  Some "out of town" preview performances would help too, if performed before a sympathetic audience.  Come to think of it, this may be what childhood is for.

ON: WRITING TO SHOCK

OSCAR WILDE OBSERVES: 

The main defect with writing something that shocks is that it prevents the reader from being both amused and charmed at the same time.

MARK TWAIN REMARKS:

 I write to gain money.  If being shocking were more profitable then I would attempt to astound the reader into unconsciousness.  Heck, I would hit him on the head with a hammer.

ON: THE POLICE

 Oscar Wilde Observes:


    Police are public servants but in a truly perverse way.  Private servants are paid by their employers to keep secret our embarrassing secrets.  Police are paid to reveal them.


Mark Twain Remarks:


          Police sit around most of the time doing nothing.  Then, when something happens, they tend to overreact and over estimate their beneficial effect.  That is they are much like a mixture of children and husbands. No, they are simply like husbands.